TF Crack Drabbles: The Decepticons
by Saphira112
Summary: Megatron and the other Decepticons are human. This is a cracky fic in which Megs just can't seem to figure out how to work human appliaces or anything else. Add a day care center, a fishing trip, and a bit of crack to it and you have this... mess...
1. Megs and the Washing Machine

**Note:** I wrote this at 12 freaking a.m. and I do not regret it! XD

Megs and the Washing Machine

TF Crack Drabble

What the _fuck_ was _this_?

Megatron stared at the human contraption before him, fully knowing how it worked, yet not actually having a clue at the same time. The oven was an old style for the humans to use – why did some still have the damn things? Why not make them more advanced? – and its controls were a few switches and a turny-thingie.

Megatron had just become a "human" last week and hated being one already. Damn his Spark for doing shit to him. He was tall for his quote 'age' unquote, an athletic build with pale moon skin – and for some awful reason with a blue-ish tint – and wore just plain blue jeans and a black t-shirt, normally with a name of some human group. Megatron could hardly care less.

Right now he had to figure out how to wash his damn clothes. Apparently, without clothes, he was considered "naked", "indecent", and a "horrible example for society's children". Pfft. As if he cared. But how the hell did a human work this thing?

All right, so he had put his clothes in the large hole and put the lid over it. He wasn't sure it would stay, but whatever. Megatron now was looking at the bottles of detergent and fabric softener. Detergent was like soap; he knew that. And fabric softener made clothes softer, apparently. Megatron had never studied humans – nor shown interest – but he wasn't sure how much he needed for just a few t-shirts and two pairs of jeans.

Didn't help that no one else was there. So Megs was left all on his bloody own without a clue as to how to measure soap and softener. Or work the washing machine for that matter.

Shrugging with a scowl, Megs opened the lid and poured practically half the bottle of detergent in before following it up with the whole bottle of fabric softener. Hey, if it made the clothes more comfortable, he didn't care. He shut the lid, threw the half-empty bottle and empty bottle across the room, and went back to staring at the switches and funky whatchamacallit. A turnie-thingie. Whatever it was.

Megatron growled and kicked the box of water-detergent-softener-clothes-mixture, flicked all the switches up and attempted to turn the tunrie-thingie. Realizing it wouldn't turn fluidly, Megs applied a shitload of pressure on it, attempting to turn it before a sickening pop fill the room and the poor ex-decepticon was left with the tunry-thingie in his hand, wires detached from the machine.

"Cursed human machine, I command you work!"

The washing machine was silent and stood its ground.

Megs let out a scream of frustration, pinched one of the wires, and calmed down when the machine started to run at that. Huffing, the man walked upstairs. He took a nap.

Four hours passed and Megatron woke up grumbling, hearing a rather loud beeping noise from down in the laundry room and he let out an exasperated sigh, going to get his clothes out of the wash. He stopped at the middle stair, looking down at the once clear hardwood floor, which was now _swamped_ in water, funky bubbles, and the air now smelled of lilies. Megatron's eyes widened and he jumped over the railing and straight into the laundry room. The water made his feet cold immediately and he yelped like a sissy at the contact.

Megatron saw that the washing machine had overflowed with water and bubbles and was _still_ freaking running and Megatron was at a loss as to how to turn it off. The turny-thingie seemed to be the switch, but now that it was off--!

Megatron heard footsteps splashing in the water and looked up at the person who now entered the room with desperation on his face.

Starscream took one look around the room before sighing and picking up the turny-thingie. He held it out to Megatron. "It's called a dial, Megs. A _dial_."


	2. Megs and the Alarm Clock

TF Crack-Fic

The Blaring

It had started out as a whisper.

It just barely touched his human ears, a tiny little squeal in the back of his mind. He thought it to probably be a dying crow on the roof of the house or maybe tires of a car screeching on the street in an attempt to avoid an accident. He smiled at the thoughts unconsciously. Yes, those seemed like good reasons and he was happy with those reasons.

But they soon vanished as the squealing became louder, more intense, and downright _annoying_.

Grumbling, Megatron attempted to muffle the noise by pulling the soft pillow he was lying on over his head, curling it around his ears, but that only made the squealing echo in his head. Not much better. Worse, actually.

The ex-decepticon growled and opened his eyes to the bright light filtering through the windows and cursed in three random foreign languages of the humans as his eyes burned with the sudden blare. He then cursed many times in his native Cybertron tongue before reaching behind him without looking, grabbing the blaring object, and hurling it across the room.

The sound whooshed through the air, echoing before the object smashed against the wall. The room fell silent and Megs groaned in relief, relaxing back into his pillow, just feeling himself slip off into a dream of wreaking havoc and—

_BEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!_

The sudden sound came back again and Megs opened his eyes, sitting straight up, as he stared at the tiny little alarm clock on the floor, still squealing out and beeping in between what one would probably consider pauses.

"Vile annoying human contraption, I command you to shut the hell up!"

Silence.

Megatron huffed a sigh before settling back down on the bed, facing away from the windows. He let out another sigh, a softer one this time, and put his face into his pillow, burying his eyes to shield himself from the infernal light. Yes, he now saw himself standing as high ruler, holding up a what looked like a gigantic human fork and was now pointing it at—

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!_

Megatron nearly fell out of bed as the sudden sound blared into his sensitive ears again. Growling, he tossed the comforter off him and stalked over to the blaring alarm clock lying half broken on the floor. It was half broken and _still_ working?! The hell was going on!?

"I thought I told you to shut up, you little nuisance!"

The alarm clock continued to blare. Megatron let out a scream of frustration, picked up the half-broken clock, and chucked it across the room again, hard enough to put that slight dent in the wall.

The alarm clock still did not shut up.

Megatron let out another cry of irritation, and repeated the same process. But after chucking it across the room fifteen times with it refusing to stop its blaring, it became apparent it wasn't working.

Megatron grabbed the blaring thing and ran down the stairs, yelling, "Starscream!" as he went, his fear of human contraptions and the anger evident in his voice.

Starscream didn't respond, but Barricade poked his head out of the kitchen, wondering what the hell was wrong with his leader. When Starscream didn't come as called and when Megatron spotted Barricade, the leader rushed to his subordinate's side.

"Please, Barricade... shut it up! SHUT THIS THING UP!"

He held out the half-broken contraption to the ex-deception, who took it silently with a mixture of confusion and surprise on his face. Also a bit of fear from what the hell his leader was on this early in the morning. Crack? Maybe drunk...

Sighing, Barricade reached up to the top of the clock and flicked the switch. Silence filled the kitchen and the loyal officer handed the clock back to his leader. "There..."

Megatron just stood there, gaping. Barricade sighed and rubbed his temple. "It's just a switch, Megs. A little flick of the _switch_..."


	3. Megs and the Hose

TF Crack-Fic

Snake Line

Why did _he_ have to do it?

It was a very hot summer day; the sun was out and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. The rays from the sun beat down on Megatron as he stalked through the backyard in a dirty white T-shirt and ripped jeans that cut off just above his ankles, a rip on one of the kneecaps, showing his milky skin.

For Primus's sake, he was going to get a tan from being out here just five minutes... It was like hell on Earth.

Megatron huffed a sigh as he realized that his own subordinates had outvoted him and he was the one left to water the plants. He was going to punish them somehow later. Not that they should care about what happened to their plant life out back, but thanks to the people living right next door, who were planting _freaks_, they had to. Otherwise, they could face arrest for Primus only knew what reasons.

Being human sucked.

So anyway, Megatron reeled out the long snake-like thingie that was attached to the side of the house. Now that he knew what a dial was, he could turn the thing to... was it the right? Yes, the right. And according to Starscream, he couldn't apply too much pressure. Damn.

He peered with one eye into the hole at the end of the snake line and looked into the darkness. Where did the water come out? There? Well, he had to turn the dial, right? Good. Sounded simple. Megatron, not breaking his gaze into the hose with his eye, reached over and turned the dial.

Suddenly, a jet of water shot out of the snake line and splashed him right in the eye, making him scream and curses at the top of his lungs, covering his eyes. The snake line fell from his hands and flooded the ground. Megatron somehow slipped in the water and landed in the slick grass, still finding air to grumble out curses.

With what could be considered a battle cry, Megatron turned and lunged at the moving green snake line, grabbing it by the metal covering at the end where the water came out. Megatron grinned in triumph, but the pressure of the water made the thing hard to hold onto.

"You are not getting away, you vile, sneaky little apparatus of evil!"

Megatron attempted to keep the flailing snake line down with his body weight, but that apparently wasn't enough. He growled as the line attempted to buck him off, just like a bull at a rodeo. Damn human similes...

Megatron flailed with the green line of water and succeeded into getting it pinned into the grass. The line continued to try to buck him off, but was failing and Megatron laughed manically in triumph.

Then, the water coming out of the hose thinned before changing to small trickles into the green grass before stopping completely. Megatron glanced over his shoulder to see Starscream leaning against the house by the dial. Megatron then noticed that it had been turned. Starscream had shut the water off.

"How dare you interfere with my fight with the snake line, Starscream!"

The ex-decepticon in question just rolled his eyes. "Get up."

And with a flush, Megatron did. Inside, he knew his battle with the line of water channels wasn't over. If Starscream hadn't interfered, he would've had em! He would've! There was no denying it! Megs smirked in triumph.

"And for the record," Starscream said, causing the smirk to slide off Megs' face. "It's called a _hose_, Megs..."


	4. Megs and the Shower

TF Crack-Fic

Water-Shooter and More Dials

He had no words for this.

Just. No. Words.

Megatron had been having quite an ordeal throughout the first week of being human, being shown up by _both_ Starscream and Barricade – thanks to the dials and switches of utter freaking DOOM – and now trying to figure out another thing. How was this essential to everyday life? Megs would never understand.

He would never understand why he needed to cover himself in funky bubbles under a water-shooter for half an hour every day.

Megs just stood there in the bathroom, staring at the two dials – yes, they were more evil dials – and the water shooter. The bowl he was supposed to stand in was about a good foot and a half deep. The plug at end with the water-shooter was loose to probably let the water drain. So...

Megs was standing in the tile bathroom in only a pair of jeans, holding a towel and a bar of soap along with a bottle of liquid soap – apparently for his hair. Why did his hair need it? It was dead anyway! And when Megs had first seen the bottle of liquid soap, he was horrified and immediately reminded about the washing machine incident. He shuddered.

Back to the present, Megatron set down the stuff he needed on the toilet seat and reached down. Slowly, he began turning the left dial – not trusting the right – and he put his hand under the water. He leaped back with a sudden yelp as the water burned his hand and he hit his head on the back of the counter. Grumbling a few Cybertronian curses, he rubbed his now throbbing head and stared at the dial with narrow eyes.

No way in hell was he going to be best by a dial _ever_ again.

Spitting out a few more choice words, Megs got to his feet again and switched the left dial back to its normal off position. The water vanished and the ex-decepticon turned the right dial, which caused water to shoot out. Hesitantly, Megs put his hand under the new running water and he pulled it back just as quickly as he had before as the cold water assaulted his sensitive skin. It had gone from boiling hot to ice cold!

So it came down to him either burning his human skin and cause infection or giving him frozen skin laced with frostbite with an additional 'yay for later pneumonia' kind of feeling.

Again, Megatron told himself that being human sucked like hell and it shouldn't have happened.

Megatron growled and flung open the bathroom door. "Starscream!"

Downstairs, as he was paged, Starscream grumbled something under his breath and stalked out of the kitchen, leaving Barricade and Blackout to worry over his fate over what their leader had been unable to do this time.

Starscream reached the top of the stairs and walked to the bathroom. "What, Megs?"

Megatron poked his head out of the bathroom. "Come in here."

Starscream raised an eyebrow, but complied. He shut the door. "Ok, what?"

Megatron pointed at the two dials.

Starscream facepalmed. "Oh, for the love of Primus... They're fucking _dials_! We've been over this!"

Megatron shook his head. "That's not what I mean! How come I can only choose between getting burned or freezing to death!?"

Starscream kept his face in his palm, shaking his head. Megs looked at him expectantly. Starscream finally sighed and walked over, fiddling with the dials, testing the water every now and then. Megs watched. Finally, Starscream leaned back and pointed. "Equal enough for you?"

Megs eyed Starscream as he put his hand under the water. It wasn't cold and it wasn't scolding hot. It was just warm. He nodded. "This is sufficient." Tyring to sound cool and collected.

Starscream inwardly snorted and rolled his eyes. "Uh-huh..." And walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

As he walked down the stairs, Barricade and Blackout poked their heads out of the kitchen. Barricade eyed Starscream. "What was it this time?"

Starscream huffed before walking into the kitchen, grabbing a Coke from the fridge, popping it open, and draining it in three large gulps. He let out a long sigh and looked over at Barricade's and Blackout's expectant faces.

"The shower."

"Ah," the two said in unison.

Suddenly, there was a loud _WHAM_ from upstairs and loud cursing over the running water before it came again and more colorful words carrying downstairs. Barricade and Blackout glanced at Starscream.

Starscream threw the Coke in the trash. "That would be him slipping on the soap."

The two nodded before Starscream facepalmed again. "Twice."

And that's why Megatron hated showers.


	5. Megs and the Telephone

It was ringing.

Why the _hell_ was it _ringing_?!

Megatron stood hunched over, his hands in his pockets, as he stared at the long slab of metal that was the source of the annoying sound in his sensitive ears. The slab had a small screen that was flashing an odd orange color. The text imprinted on the screen in human English was "Toll Free", followed by a number beginning with "800".

Megs stared at the blaring device, resisting the urge to either rip it off its holster – Starscream called it a charger – and chuck it out the window like he felt he should've done with the alarm clock or rip his own ears off. Perhaps both? No, Megs was bad enough with a functioning human body. With a handicapped one, he'd be beyond pissed. Moreover, he'd be freaking depressed.

A depressed Megs worried the shitload out of his subordinates. Why was this? Why did all the other Decepticons fear Megs was depressed or saddened?

He went on an emo rampage.

But that was another story for another time.

Back in the kitchen, Megatron just kept staring at the blaring thing. There was only one way to shut it up and that was to pick it up and press the green button. Yes, Megs knew how to push a button. Despite his past failures with dials and switches, he knew how to push the fucking _button_.

He heard a yell from the other room from Barricade. "FOR PRIMUS' SAKE, SOMEONE PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE!"

Oh, so it was called a phone... Megs growled and picked up the said "phone" and pushed the green button. Now what was he supposed to do? He could faintly hear someone saying "hello" from within the slab of metal.

Megs put the phone to his right ear and blinked. "What?" His voice was trying to be angry – and failing – and he now sounded curiously pathetic.

From within the phone, he heard a voice. Male. Human, possibly? But it spoke to him... "Hello. May I speak with Mr. Megatron?"

"You already are," Megs stated, rolling his eyes.

"Ah, yes!" said the male. This one was definitely a human. Stupid enough. "I am with XXX Corporations and was wondering if you'd be interested in buying a subscription to our drug testing network."

"A what?" Megs stared blankly at the wall in front of him as he tried to make sense of the idiot human's words.

"Mr. Megatron, the drug testing network will mail you our new drugs for testing try-outs and money to send back the results, which will be packaged along with the drugs once they are sent out. Please make sure someone is helping you take them."

"Wait, hold up," Megs said, waving his hand. "How the hell can you send me _anything_?!"

"I'm sorry; I don't understand your question, sir."

"How the fuck can you get your voice out of this human phone and be able to send me stuff? You live in the freaking kitchen!"

"I'm afraid I don't see where you're going with this..."

"YOU ARE AN EVIL HUMAN DEVICE MADE TO SPY ON ME IN MY HOUSE! HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND US?!"

"Err, sir...? Are you all ri-"

"SHADDUP AND DIE, EVIL CONTRAPTION!"

And Megs threw the phone onto the tile floor and began stomping on it, shouting, "DIE DIE DIE!" with every stomp. The phone sputtered, sparked, and Megs didn't stop stomping onto the poor electrical device until it was on the floor in itty bitty pieces.

Megs took a step back with a relieved sigh before he gathered the pieces, put them in a small bag, and threw them out the window. He glared and smirked after them triumphantly as they flew away and out of sight.

Megs turned to walk out of the kitchen and saw Barricade leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed across his chest, regarding his leader with a raised eyebrow and slightly weirded out look. Megs didn't know what to say.

"You are _never_ answering the phone again, Megs," Barricade muttered before stalking out.

Leaving Megs to wonder what the hell he had done wrong.


	6. Megs and the TV

(Warning: This has hints to sexual themes; not bad enough for M, but I just thought you all would like a heads up cause Megs gets mortified by it)

TF Crack-Fic

Channels of Indecency

"I'm bored."

That was the third statement – word for word – of the day. This time, it was muttered by Barricade, while Starscream and Blackout had stolen the first two. Megs stared at his subordinates with weird eyes. They were bored? Then how about they go blow up the neighbor's annoying cat or something?

"We could watch T.V.," Bonecrusher suggested, walking into the room with a bottle of IBC Root Beer in hand, shaking it slightly. When he had first opened the bottle, Megs was paranoid it truly was beer and that his sensors – or in the human case, _senses_ – would scramble. So, being the "caring" leader, he had knocked the bottle out of Bonecrusher's hand, causing Starscream to lock him up in a room until Bonecrusher had successfully opened another bottle and taken a sip that he could actually enjoy...

Now Megs was out and wondering what the hell to do with his team.

Barricade shrugged to Bonecrusher's suggestion. "Better than sitting here with nothing to do."

Starscream nodded. "Should I go to the human's store for films?"

Blackout and Barricade held up their hands. "We're coming!"

Bonecrusher rolled his eyes and retreated back into the kitchen as the three left. Starscream yelled over his shoulder at Megs, "Turn on the T.V. for us, Megs, and go ahead and hook up the surround sound system we just got in!"

Megs just stood there as the door closed and Barricade turned to Starscream. "You sure that's wise?"

Starscream rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure of anything anymore. Come on, he may have screwed the phone, but there is NO WAY he can be stupid enough to destroy the T.V., the SS system, _and_ the remote control, for Primus' sake..."

"True," Barricade agreed, nodding, before an idea hit him. He turned to the other two ex-decepticons. "Wanna bet on it?"

"What do you have?" Blackout asked, curious.

"Not like that, stupid," Barricade said, rolling his eyes and glancing at Starscream. "I bet Megs will somehow find a way to destroy at least the television _and_ the SS system."

"What about the remote?" Blackout asked.

Barricade shook his head. "Don't think he's _that_ dumb..."

Starscream smirked. "You'd be surprised... All right, I bet that he'll destroy all of them _and_ the toaster by the end of the week."

Barricade grinned before turning to Blackout. "Bets?"

Blackout backed off and shook his head, hands up defensively. "No way am I betting against you two. I know better."

Barricade and Starscream both smirked and Starscream chuckled. "This is true."

"So if you win?" Starscream asked, looking at the second lieutenant.

"You deal with whatever Megs does," Barricade said, eyes flashing a little, the hint of red making itself known. "If he breaks something, you have to deal with it."

Starscream nodded. "All right, and if you lose, then YOU have to do that and take him out for a fishing trip."

Barricade grimaced at the thought of Megs with a fishing pole before he nodded and punched Starscream's fist. "Deal."

The three of them then walked down the road to the movie store.

Back in the living room, Megs was standing there without a clue as to how to turn on the screen that Starscream insisted on calling a television set. Ok, so the slab of metal – very unlike the phone; it had no screen – helped with changing channels from a distance cause it was all done by signal, but how could he get the damn television turned on?!

Megs noticed the row of buttons on the front of the T.V. and knelt down, sitting with his knees up to his chest and balanced on his toes. He put his arms across the top of his legs before reaching out with his longest finger – the middle one – and began pushing buttons, starting from right to left.

Bonecrusher happened to walk back in and, seeing the insulting human gesture – one he didn't know was on complete accident – huffed and threw his arms up. "What did I do _now_?!"

He left abruptly, leaving Megs for the umpteenth time wondering what the hell he had done wrong now. Maybe Bonecrusher was just in a pissy mood for earlier.

Megs went back to pushing buttons before he came to the last button on the left and pressed it. The screen came to life and Megs fell back in surprise, his arms flailing around as he tried to catch himself – epically _failing_ – and hit the side of the couch.

Grumbling something along the lines of human devices having too many buttons, he picked himself off the nicely carpeted floor and walked over to the T.V., hitting it across the top lightly before sighing. All right, so now the thing was on. But the screen was blue. Was that supposed to happen?

Suddenly, the television set buzzed for a split second and the blue screen was replaced by a fuzzy and grainy human show. It was weird, looking. There was a man talking to a women who was only dressed in a skimpy black miniskirt and a tank top. The man wasn't wearing a shirt and was wearing tight black jeans.

... The. Fuck. Was. This?

Megs glanced around for the remote, finding it on the table, and picked it up, looking for the sound upper. The volume. Whatever it was. He found it and pushed the arrow pointing up. The voices finally sparked to life and Megs listened to the conversation.

"_Oh, come now, Jenny, don't be like that. I... I __**love**__ you."_

"_Oh, __**Brad**__..."_

Megatron stuck out his tongue in disgust and rolled his eyes. He realized he was still pressing the up arrow and put the remote down. He wouldn't' pay attention to the show; he needed to hook up the SS system. Megs leaned and began connecting the wires to their appropriate places, using an online manual as his resource and the manual Starscream had so _generously_ laid out for his convenience.

Megs had somehow miraculously connected the television to the SS system and he now switched over the volume to the speakers set up around the room. The conversation from the show had gotten louder and was now more of the two moaning than anything. Curious, Megs lifted his head...

... And fell back against the carpet, shocked at what he saw on the screen. The two were attempting to _mate_! And on screen, no less! WHERE WAS THE SHAME?! WHERE?!

Megs' eyes widened and he shuddered before letting loose a loud scream that made Bonecrusher drop his Root Beer onto the floor in the kitchen.

He poked his head out to see what was so wrong and his jaw dropped. His leader was running around in circles, screaming his head off and yelling something about humans having no decency. Bonecrusher just sighed and retreated back into the kitchen.

Megs found the remote and attempted to turn the volume down, but it didn't work. He tried again. He flailed with the remote before the back hatch opened and he saw batteries in there. Two AA batteries – now dead – winked up at him. Frustrated at the fact that they didn't have batteries – Megs knew because Starscream had mentioned it earlier – he threw the remote against the wall and watched as the thing happened to shatter. He stared at it before throwing his hands up.

On the screen, the couple had gotten their clothes off and Megs couldn't stand to look. Forgetting there was an "OFF" button for the T.V., Megs went around the room, beginning to scream again, and unplugging the speakers, ripping them out from the walls and tossing them on the floor. He then went to the television and miraculously without looking at the two having sex on the screen, punched the screen out. Static flew out of the hole in the T.V, shocking Megs, and he fell back on the carpet, now dead silent.

A moment passed before an evil chuckle escaped his lips and he jumped up, pointing at the busted screen, the broken SS system's main component, and the ripped speakers all around the room with the remote in pieces in the corner.

Megs retreated to a said corner and just muttered about the indecency of humans until Starscream, Barricade, and Blackout walked in the door. The three stood there, Blackout's mouth hanging open while Barricade's eyes were as wide as they ever had been. Starscream just facepalmed, but there was a smirk on his face.

"Guess I win, 'Cade," Starscream said, the palm leaving his face and his lips still curled up into that devilish smirk of his.

Barricade just huffed and left the room, tossing the movie at the floor and it coincidentally landed at Megs' feet. The leader looked down at the cover and screamed again before leaping out and cursing in Cybertronian tongue about how there was no shame in the human race.

Blackout raised an eyebrow at his leader and glanced at Starscream for help. The first lieutenant just shrugged and surveyed the damage.

"Megs...?" he asked hesitantly.

"WHAT?!" Said person looked at Starscream with wide eyes and a body shaking with rage. "ARE YOU HERE TO TELL ME THAT ALL THE HUMANS DO ON T.V. IS MATE?! THERE IS NO SHAME, I TELL YOU! NO SHAME!!" Megs was flailing now.

Starscream just turned and began banging his head into the wall. Why, of all channels, did Megs turn on the porn channel?


	7. The Toaster Special

(This is different from the normal crack drabble. We have more of Barricade and Starscream.)

TF Crack-Fic

Toasting Device

Barricade sighed to himself as he leaned back in his chair in his room, an arm slung over the back of said seat, the ex-decepticon's body slack and weak-looking. By no means was Barricade weak, but he damn _tired_.

After losing the bet to Starscream, Barricade had made plans to make sure the bet wasn't completely fulfilled. Although Megs had broken the television and SS system – including the poor remote – all that was left was the toaster and though it seemed impossible for Megs to screw it up, Barricade knew that the impossibility was out the window. There was a high chance that Megs was gonna destroy the toaster _somehow_ and Barricade couldn't allow it.

As long as the bet wasn't completely fulfilled, it would stand still until one side would win. Barricade intended for himself AND the damn toaster to last the week, if only to save himself the embarrassment of taking Megs on a freaking _fishing_ trip…

Barricade hauled himself to his feet and silently told himself to somehow change human law to make mornings illegal. It was a plan. It was a plan…

"Oi, Megs!" That was Starscream downstairs. Barricade wondered what the hell the first lieutenant wanted with the leader now.

"What is it, Starscream?" Megs didn't sound too happy. Perhaps still mortified over the porn channel? Barricade wouldn't be surprised. He poked his head out of his bedroom door and leaned over the banister of the stairs by his room that led down to the main floor. He looked down with cool navy eyes as the two other men began talking.

"Bonecrusher wants to know what's for breakfast," Starscream said to his leader.

Megatron put his hands on his hips. "He can get whatever he wants and by himself. If he has a problem, he can deal with it."

"Well, actually…" Starscream trailed off for a moment. "He was asking me about how to make toast. You know how to make that, right?"

Megs huffed, now crossing his arms over his chest. While he sucked with other human appliances and couldn't cook much, he definitely knew how to make toast. Starscream then smirked. "Care to show me?"

Megs rolled his eyes before leading Starscream into the kitchen. Fear gripped Barricade as he immediately saw through Starscream's plan. He was gonna make Megs destroy the toaster in order to win the bet.

The used-to-be police car hurried down the stairs, stopping at the end of the kitchen. Starscream turned to his comrade and smirked. Barricade glared.

Megs, meanwhile, was putting slices of bread into the toaster and pushing down the slider. He stood there in the tense silence – unaware of it – while his two subordinates kept staring intensely at one another.

A few minutes passed before the bread popped up and Megs handed it Starscream. "There."

Barricade's jaw dropped. Megs had actually been able to make toast? Without breaking the toaster?! There was NO way…

Starscream had a similar expression. Of all the things, he hadn't expected Megs to be able to use a freaking toaster after he couldn't even handle a _hose_…

Starscream took a bite of the toast just in case and found it to be good. He stared at his leader while barricade was just on the doorframe, his jaw still down. If it hadn't been attached to his face, it would've hit the floor by now. How in the name of Primus had Megs been able to make toast??

Megs seemed to figure out his subordinates' shock and he smirked triumphantly. "Did you really think I was lower than humans, you two?"

The tow automatically shook their heads. Megs' smirk widened. "Good."

And he turned to make more toast. He hummed a happy little tune while making two more slices of bread into toast. Then the slider thingie didn't pop up like it had before. Megs frowned and jerked the thing upwards, yet the thing was defiant and refused to budge.

In short, the toaster was being a douche, jammed itself, and was now defying Megs' achievements.

Megs growled and applied a little more force to it. Barricade's expression of shock vanished as fear took his eyes and he was at Megs' side in a flash, trying to get the man to clam down and not accidentally break the toaster.

Unfortunately for poor barricade, the leader wasn't listening and he began cursing at the toaster in different languages. He applied more pressure, but the human toasting device began to smoke as the bread inside the thing burned.

Before barricade and Starscream could tell Megs to calm down, the leader had screamed, ripped the toaster by the plug in the wall, and thrown it out the window, shattering the glass, and watching as the smoking device landed in the nearby pond with a loud _SPLASH_!

Starscream and Barricade blinked before simultaneously turning around slowly to face the huffing leader. Megs then smoothed his hair back, stood up straight, and walked past them without a word.

Barricade's shoulders slumped and Starscream, surprisingly, put a hand on his shoulder. "I feel sorry for you, 'Cade."

Barricade just growled lowly under his breath as Starscream exited the opposite door of Megs and the police car collapsed in the chair.

After all the shit that had happened, Barricade wondered just _how_ Megs was going to handle being stuck on a boat in the middle of a lake with a rod and wire, flicking the pole back and forth and—

Tomorrow was certainly not going to be fun.

Barricade seriously considered running away and hiding with the Autobots wherever they were…


	8. The Day Care Special

(I bet people wonder what music I listen to when I write this stuff. Review if you wanna know! And I warn that this chappie is much longer than all the rest XD)

TF Crack-Fic

Building of Infantile Doom

"You sent Frenzy WHERE?!"

Starscream poked his head out of the room as he heard his leader shout at the top of his lungs, his voice filled with anger and laced with shock. He looked downstairs to see Megatron with his hands on his hips, staring at Barricade with both angry and weirded out eyes.

Barricade shuffled. He hadn't expected to actually _tell_ Megatron where he had sent Frenzy and now that he had – by complete accident, thanks to Blackout – he knew he was going to be punished. If he didn't survive, he might not have to take Megs to the lake tomorrow for fishing, but then again, he _really_ didn't want to die here…

Megs just stared incredulously at his subordinate. He couldn't believe this. He just couldn't. "May I remind you of the low profile we need to keep, Barricade?"

Starscream snickered from his place where the two couldn't see or hear him while Barricade risked glancing up at that comment. He would've laughed as well, had the situation not been so serious. After all the stuff Megs was destroying in his anger, he was _still_ expecting a low profile? They were lucky not to have the police on their asses already…

"Yes sir, I know that, but Frenzy thought it to be a good idea and I—"

"You let him go along with it!?"

"Yes sir."

"Of all things, Barricade, I hadn't expected this. This could completely expose every aspect of our existence, considering Frenzy has what humans call schizophrenia…"

"Yes sir, but—"

"But nothing!" Megatron's eyes were flashing red.

Barricade opened his mouth, attempting to protest further, but Megs cut him off with a pointed finger.

"I DID NOT ORDER YOU TO SEND FRENZY TO A HUMAN DAY CARE CENTER!"

Barricade just sighed. Although he was practically Frenzy's babysitter all the time, there were many times which Barricade wanted to kill the little bugger. And Frenzy – unaware of such feelings within Barricade – wanted to do a little "study" of human children and figure out what made them tick without actually harming them. At least, that was the deal. And Barricade had _really_ wanted to get away form Frenzy…

Starscream just shook his head while Megs began to ramble at Barricade while the other male stood still and quiet, not really listening. Their leader had been on edge lately, not being able to connect his destruction of human electronics and appliances to why people thought they were insane. And people wondered why Megs was the leader, Starscream included. Ah, well. The Screamer shrugged.

"I needed a break from Frenzy," Barricade finally said, interrupting Megatron's train of open thought.

"Oh? Did I tell you that you could let him out of your sight?" Megatron asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Barricade narrowed his eyes. He wasn't gonna put up with this bullshit. "Believe me, _sir_, if you had to carry him around 24/7, you'd get pretty damn tired of the fucker, too."

Megatron blinked at Barricade's resort to the human tongue and more so, the colorful side of the language. He grunted and shook his head. "That does not excuse this irrational course of action, Barricade."

"Actually, I believe it does," Barricade replied, his eyes narrow and voice leaving no room for argument. Like a leader, but not as powerful.

Megatron gave him a stern look before sighing. "We'll have to get him, then… Starscream!"

Said man pretended to have just come out of his room and he walked into Megatron and Barricade's line of sight, looking down from the banister. "What?"

"We're going to get Frenzy," Megatron said, hands in his back pockets. "Stay here and don't do anything stupid."

Starscream rolled his eyes. Ironic that _Megs_ was the one telling him that. "Whatever." He turned back to go into his room while Megs and Barricade headed out the door.

It was a tense car ride. They were driving in Barricade's car – a car looking oddly like his police car but without lights and the police badge crest on the side; it also had a long silver stripe along the side – and it was twenty minutes away from the daycare center where the man had left Frenzy.

Barricade glanced over at Megatron every so often, trying to figure out if he should suggest the fishing trip tomorrow now or make it a surprise. The leader was staring out the window, obviously uninterested in the scenery they were passing. In fact, he looked downright _disgusted_…

Barricade cleared his throat. "Umm… Megs?"

The man didn't even look over. "What, Barricade?"

Barricade kept his eyes on the road. "Uhh, I was just… erm…" He couldn't say it. The idea was absurd in of itself.

"What, Barricade? Speak." Megatron was getting impatient.

Barricade shook his head. No, he couldn't say it. "I was just…" He glanced up. "…Informing you we were here." And as if to prove an unspoken point, Barricade pulled into an empty parking space up front. Megs shrugged in reply and climbed out of the car while Barricade breathed a long sigh of relief before doing the same.

The day care center wasn't all that big, but it sure as hell was noisy. From the side, Barricade could see human children running around like young Sparklings, yelling things and chasing after one another. Frenzy was definitely not outside. Which meant that he was…

"Inside," Barricade said unconsciously.

Megs huffed. "I've gathered that." He was already at the door that led into the noisy building of infantile doom. "Are you coming or are you going to continue standing there like an idiot?"

'_Look who's talking, Mr.-I-can-work-absolutely-nothing-human-invented,'_ Barricade thought before giving a quick, curt nod and walking up the safety ramp to the front door.

They both regretted opening the door.

"ICE-CREAM MAN!"

The screams were immediate and sudden and Megatron didn't have time to think before he was barreled over by a herd of just under fifteen human children, all various skin colors and ages, none over eight, all yelling incoherent things. But mostly about something called "ice-cream". Barricade had been lucky to stand out of the way and he put a hand over his mouth to hide his snicker as he watched Megs try to fight out from under the children.

"YOU LITTLE DEVILS, YOUR TIME HAS COME! GET OFF ME BEFORE I DO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET!"

But the children, all innocence and ignorant of the idea of being killed, just kept hugging Megs everywhere they could reach while their voices begged for something called "ice-cream". If Barricade were to describe the sight… well, he couldn't find the right way to do so. But basically it was basically like a Sparkling babysitter with twelve Sparklings all wanting their daily information. Immediately.

A woman – plump, short, but kind looking – came out and helped get the children off poor Megs while apologizing profusely for their rudeness. "I'm so sorry," she kept saying, "they thought you were the ice-cream man we were expecting later on today."

Megatron was able to pick himself up off the ground and he huffed, giving the woman a glare, but at Barricade's quick motion, he replaced it with the best smile he could muster. Which looked more like a smirk than anything. An evil, forced one.

"Don't worry about it," Megatron gritted out. "We're just here to pick up Frenzy…"

"Frenzy?" the woman asked, apparently having no idea who he was talking about.

Barricade moved in then, beside Megs, and laughed a little nervously, slightly forced. "He means… Frederick. My little younger brother I brought in earlier?"

"Ah, yes!" The woman remembered now. "I'll go find him. Why don't you two come inside and make yourselves comfortable?"

And left with no choice, they did. But it was if they had sealed their doom by allowing the door to shut behind them. They seated themselves in a pair of chairs close by the doors, ignoring the human children that ran around with small rockets in their hands while others were sitting watching a television set with colorful colors and buildings on the screen. Barricade had to keep Megs from wandering over there in the leader's amazement that the children were able to see something other than humans mating…

The woman came back with a worried expression. "I'm sorry; Frederick is in the sick room. He didn't look well earlier, so we had him lay down. He wants to see you." She was looking at Barricade.

Barricade managed to look genuinely concerned and he got up, telling Megs to wait in the chair by the door while he went to fetch Frenzy out of the sick room. When the two vanished from view, Megs huffed a sigh and crossed his arms, sitting back in the chair.

The colorful television caught his eye again and he saw it from a distance. On screen, there was a deformed man who was glancing out form behind a curtain, looking at a man and a woman. The man was dressed in armor and the woman was dressed in colorful cloth. The human term "gypsy" came to mind, but Megs had no idea what it meant. All he knew was that the man and woman were kissing and she was stroking his face.

Fearing the television once more, Megs leapt out of the chair, crossed the room, and put himself in front of the T.V. "This isn't anything you children should watch!"

But, instead of listening, the children did other things. Some complained about not being able to see while the rest laughed at his weird voice. One girl in a cute little flower dress stood up and walked over to Megs, tugging at his pant leg. "But why, mister?" She couldn't be more than seven.

Megs stared at her. How could she not know!? "Because it is shameful and indecent! NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WATCH THIS!"

"But we wanna know wha happens ta Quasi!" she said with a whine in her voice, her index finger in her mouth and she looked as if she were going to burst into tears any minute. Megs gave in to her puppy dog look and decided he didn't care what the kids watched. He was gonna destroy the human race one day, so this didn't matter if children saw mating or not…

Megs began making his way back to his chair before two tugs stopped him. A small boy and girl. By their faces, he guessed they were almost twins. "What?"

The boy pouted while the girl tugged at his pant leg again. "Hey mister, are you a snowman who brings ice-cream?"

"I am not made of snow, little girl," Megs said. "I am a human. And what is this 'ice-cream' you all fawn over?"

"What's 'fawn'?" the boy asked while the girl said, "So you're a human snow man!"

Megs facepalmed. Keep the anger back, keep the anger back…

Meanwhile, in the sick room, Barricade was giving "Frederick" a look. The boy did technically look as if he had a disease. His skin was too pale and his eyes were sunken in. Not good. If he had come down with a human disease, Frenzy would never hear the end of it from Megs.

"Little Frederick can go now," the woman said, handing Barricade the form he had given to her upon leaving Frenzy here in the first place. "Do you need some help in carrying him out?"

Barricade shook his head, trying to keep up the act of a loyal older brother or father or whatever. He attempted to smile. Didn't work. It was a sub zero smile. "No, I'm all right. Come on, _Frederick_…"

Frenzy muttered something before Barricade hoisted him up. As soon as he got outside, he swore he was gonna drop Frenzy for humiliating him like this, but then thought it to be better if he didn't, cause he might already be punished somehow by Megs. As he carried Frenzy into the next room with the woman at his heels, he nearly dropped Frenzy right then at the sight that he was greeted with.

Megatron was sitting with his legs criss-cross apple sauce. His highlighted hair had been done up into two pigtails at the sides of his head, and there was a yellow stair painted on the side of his face. There was one kid in his lap while another was over his shoulder and one was fiddling with his new hair style. And poor Megs had a mixture of confusion, fear, annoyance, and shock. But overall, it was annoyance and fear and he looked downright pathetic as he silently pleaded for Barricade to help him.

The woman smiled. "Wow, he certainly has a way with kids. Maybe we should get him to work here!"

Barricade nervously laughed, a sweat drop on his head at the thought of Megs taking care of the children. Not the best idea. Frenzy looked amused by the sight.

When they finally got out of there, Megs was so traumatized that all Barricade told himself was that he should never take Frenzy to a day care again, at least not with Megs in tow. Luckily, however, Megs seemed too traumatized by the experience to notice Frenzy did indeed have a human disease and punish him for it. The leader was silent.

When they got back to the base, Starscream had to hold back fits of laughter while Blackout was rolling on the floor in giggle fits as Megs walked in the room. The man could hardly produce a glare as he walked silently to his room, slowly shutting the door, his pigtails bobbing along the way.

Barricade put his head against the wall.

Starscream smirked. "Ya still got that fishing trip to worry about, Barricade."

Barricade refused to look up and he kept his head against the wall, shoulders slumped and eyes closed. He let out a long sigh.

"Don't remind me…"


	9. Fishing Special Extra Long

(Sorry for the long-ass wait. This took longer than I expected and is HECKA longer than the normal drabble. I just sort of… rambled. So sorry if it's long and boring for ya. I tried to make it funny. I think I failed… And I feel soooooooo bad for Barricade… AND NO, THIS IS NOT SLASH! N-O-T SLASH! At least not in this fic… -evil grin-)

TF Crack-Fic

Freaking Pine Tree

It smelled of _freaking_ _pine tree_.

Megs groaned as he sat in the back seat of Barricade's black car, attempting to hold his breath against the very earthly smell that filled the automobile and not to look out at the scenery that was so bloody innocent, the scenery that freaking _smiled_ back at him. Megs covered his eyes and took in a sharp breath through his mouth, plugging his nose, but it was futile and he eventually let out the breath, heaving. He was still trying not to breathe through his nose.

Barricade rolled his eyes as he drove silently down the rocky country road. How he had gotten Megs to agree to this was beyond him – beyond logic itself. Barricade supposed it had been the man's utter desperation to get out of the house and the fact he had been traumatized just the other day by those human children that softened things up for the poor lieutenant so he could ask.

'_If I didn't have that damn bet, then I would never attempt to try this,'_ Barricade swore in his mind.

"Barricade."

The soldier nearly stomped on the brake as his name was suddenly spoken and he had to keep his eyes on the road, so he settled for giving Megs his attention with a noise to show he was listening.

"What exactly will we be doing?"

Barricade raised an eyebrow and glanced at Megs through his rearview mirror. "Well, _fishing, _Megs—"

"I know that," Megs snapped like a stubborn child. "I mean, how does one do that?"

Barricade found himself stifling a snort as he turned on the road sharply, heading down to a dock where there were boats lined up, a row of fifteen of them, with a shack at the edge of the wooden bridge. "You'll see. It's actually quite simple."

"Any electronics involved?"

"Not that I am aware of."

"Any human children?"

Primus, Megs was making it sound like a recon mission or something.

"There shouldn't be." But it'd be damn funny if there were… Not that Barricade was gonna say that, though.

"Good."

Barricade rolled his eyes again and pulled into the empty parking lot. They had left extremely early in the morning, as was advised by Starscream – who was actually helping Barricade with the bet; he must be feeling sorry for him – and it had been a pain in the ass to get Megs out of bed and coherent. So at the moment, it wasn't even dawn yet, but the light was still attempting to break its way over the mountains and trees to shine upon Earth and warm it for the day.

Barricade cut the engine and opened the car door, motioning for his leader to get out as well. The man groaned and leaned back in the seat, looking as if he were almost pouting at being told what to do this early in the morning, but eventually complied. Megs got out and slammed the car door after him, not noticing Barricade flinching at the sound and contact. Despite being human, there _was_ still that slight connection between the man and car, so Megs slamming the door… yeah, you get the idea…

Megs stared out at the large clear waters of the lake, the morning breeze that still smelled of _freaking pine tree_ and now mixed with the scent of salty water washed over his human body. He was only wearing his jeans and a black T-shirt that said "Don't Hug Me" on the front with his semi-long white hair with black streaks tied into a ponytail at the base of his neck. He wore sandals – also advised by Starscream; why didn't _he_ come along for the ride? – and had a weird wrist guard on his right wrist. It was like a bracelet, but made of one piece of pure metal, bent around to the shape of his wrist. It was a few inches long and a good inch or two thick. It glinted in the weak light of the morning. Starscream had advised it for protection purposes – Primus only knew why; they were only going freaking fishing – but Barricade had to admit that the "wrist guard" made Megs look…well, let's face it. He looked like a girl. Very much like a girl. Barricade could've sworn that the "wrist guard" was truly just a bracelet from a girl's jewelry store to prank poor Megs.

Barricade had worn dark blue denim jeans and a black tank top under a blue jacket that matched the jeans and had the Decepticon crest on the back with a front pocket on the left breast. It was a zip-up, very much like what humans called a "hoodie", but without the hood and it was stiffer. There was a necklace around Barricade's neck, just a black string with two silver beads and a shark tooth in the middle. The man's blackish-blue hair blew in the slight breeze and his eyes – a deep navy color – flashed red as morning began to truly approach.

Barricade put his hands in his jacket pockets and cleared his throat.

Steely red eyes turned on Barricade. "What?"

Barricade just swallowed and nodded to the docks. He could already tell this was _so not_ going to end well.

Megs let out a sigh and followed his soldier to the docks, where an old man was sitting in his chair just outside the tiny shack that was filled with long rods, string, buckets of creepy crawlers and a bunch of things that made Megs wonder if the old man were sane.

The old man glanced up when the two came closer and he took out the pipe he had been smoking – who smoked a pipe at a lake? – and grinned toothily at them. Many of said teeth were missing and Megs gave a look of disgust.

The old man eyed them. "Whatcha here for, whippersnappers?"

"Whippersnappers?" Megs asked with an angry voice. "You insolent being, I tell you we are—"

"Here to fish," Barricade interrupted before Megs could take it any farther. He shot his leader a warning look before turning back to the grinning, senile-looking old man. "I, umm, called in earlier? We're under the name Brandon…"

Megs snorted. Brandon Barricade? That was random. He woulda thought Barricade would name himself better. Honestly. Maybe Aaron… or Vincent… but Brandon? Megs put a hand over his mouth while Barricade glared at him.

The old man's grin widened and he pointed to the shack. "Ah, I 'member ya! Yeah, I got the gear for ya and yer girlfriend right in here!"

Megs' jaw dropped at the girlfriend statement while Barricade snorted, his shoulders shaking in mirth and a hand over his mouth to stifle it as much as possible. Megs then looked absolutely livid, as if he were going to murder the man, but Barricade stepped in as the old man turned to gather their gear.

"Just relax, Megs," he muttered darkly. _'Just let me get through the day!'_

Megs huffed and crossed his arms. Very girly-like. "Whatever." Jeez, did he HAVE to talk like a girl, too?!

The old man turned around and began piling things into Barricade's waiting arms. Fishing poles, extra string and line, two buckets of smelly, smelly fish bait – mainly worms; who knew? – and a set of keys. The old man pointed to the line of boats and directed the two ex-decepticons' attention to a red and white one with a blue and white sail. "That be yer boat, young'ins."

Barricade attempted to nod behind his mountain of shit meant for fishing and began to stagger down towards the boat. He signaled for Megs to follow, which the leader surprisingly did, but not without a glare to the old man. Who received it and grinned his toothy grin, exposing his remaining six or seven teeth as his eyes shone with mirth. "Have fun, chicky!"

Megs restrained from choking the man, letting out a low huff, and jumping into their designated boat just as Barricade dropped half the shit into the bow of the boat, climbing in and setting the rest on the stern side. Without a word, Barricade put the keys into the boat's ignition and sped it away from the dock. Getting to the middle of the lake, Barricade cut the engine.

"THAT FLESHLING WILL DIE!"

Barricade covered his ears as Megs' exploded, his hands in fists, banging on the side of the boat in a tantrum. "How dare he mistake me for a femme! By Primus' name, I will destroy him!"

Megs let out an evil, low laugh, his arms spread out as if he had just achieved ultimate power. Barricade let out a sigh and pick up a pole, throwing it to Megs, snapping him out of his daydream of the old man's demise. "Just put it in the water already!"

Megs went quiet and took the pole without a word, looking it from end to end before looking up at Barricade. "Just dunk it in the water?"

Barricade was fiddling with own pole. "Yes, already! Just put it in the fucking water!"

Megs blinked before shrugging and tossing the pole in the air and watching as it landed with a _plunk_ in the water. Barricade stiffened and turned around in shock as Megs just watched the pole sink into the water, going down and out of sight.

"What the FUCK did you do THAT for?!" Barricade demanded.

Megs was confused. "You told me to dunk it in the water!" he replied accusingly.

"Not like that! Ah, for Primus' sake!" Barricade facepalmed before shoving his pole into Megs' hands and pointing a finger in his face. "Throw that overboard and I WILL hurt you…" And Barricade dived into the water.

Megs just sat there dumbly with a pole in his hand. A bird sang somewhere. Said singing bird flew over and landed on Megs' hair, settling in like it was a nest. The sun was just coming over the horizon and shone on Megs' face, blinding him. Damn Starscream for stealing his sunglasses.

Megs groaned before realizing the bird on his head was trying to make a nest on his head. Megs flailed around, swatting with Barricade's fishing pole, and ended up whacking himself in the face. Megs yelped and dropped the pole in the boat and held his aching face. The bird fluttered above him, chirping. Megs raised a fist at it. "Curse you, maggot! You shall be destroyed! Just you wait!"

The threat was ignored by the bird, who happily chirped before flying off. Megs sprawled back on the boat and sighed. A second later, water sprung up over the side and Megs yelped as the water splashed him in the face. He sat up sputtering as he saw Mr. Brandon Barricade climb over the edge of the boat, completely soaked, and fishing pole in hand. He glared at Megs.

"Throw this overboard again and it'll be YOU who goes underwater," he threatened as he tossed the pole down. He then plopped down and took a towel from a bin behind him, drying himself off, despite his clothes soaking him all over again. "Can't believe how stupid you are, Megs. I mean, _honestly_."

Megs found himself growling in defense. "I am not stupid, Barricade. How dare you talk to your superior that way?!"

Barricade threw the towel at Megs' head. "Oh, shut up. You're not helping yourself whining like that."

"Brandon Barricade!" How he managed to shout that without laughing, he didn't know.

Barricade glared and pointed a finger between Megs' eyes. "Call me that again and I will _leave_ you out here."

Megs shut up. Barricade sighed. "Now when you put it in the water—NO, DON'T YOU DARE!" He stopped Megs from dropping the pole stupidly in the water again. He smacked Megs upside the head and took the pole from his hands. "Look, you flick it." Barricade flicked his wrist and the line extended and plopped into the water. "And you wait." He handed the pole back to Megs, who just stared. "When you feel a tug, you use this," he pointed to the reel, "And you reel back until the fish comes out of the water. Understand?"

Megs nodded mutely and Barricade went to the other side of the boat. He settled down and shook his head before he flicked his pole into the water. Megs and everyone else was so lucky Barricade had patience – despite his record describing how he was riled up so easily – and was holding himself together regardless of the very needy urge to smack Megs upside the head again. If only to knock in sense somehow.

"B-Barricade! Help me!"

Barricade whirled around on instinct, having expected an attack like the normal days, but Megs was fiddling with the pole. It was _tugging_. He _actually got_ a fish!? Barricade wasn't sure how many more surprises he was going to take today.

He jumped to Megs' side an put his hands on the edge of the boat. "Reel it in, then!"

What did humans call this? Exhilaration? Something like that. Barricade was actually excited that Megatron was able to catch a fish. Megs, however, wasn't feeling it as the pole began to tug harder and he was near the edge.

"Come on, Megs, reel! REEL!" Barricade attempted to encourage.

Megs put his hand on the turnie-thingie – why did it have to be like a dial, dammit?! – and attempted to turn it. Unfortunately, thanks to it being dunked in the water, the reel was stuck and Megs found himself being tugged dangerously close to the edge of the boat.

"REEL!"

"IT'S STUCK, DAMMIT!"

Megs didn't know what happened next, but he was pulled over the edge and soon met the icy cold water of the lake. Barricade looked over the edge of the boat and let out a small snort as he watched Megs disappear under the water. Give him a few minutes and he would come up. Although, knowing Megs, he would probably drown first. And Barricade didn't want to see his comrades' faces when he drove back alone without Megs and having to explain how he died on a _fishing_ _trip_…

Barricade shook his head, putting his hands on his head. He looked to the suddenly still waters and then back at the empty boat, minus him. He let out an exasperated sigh. "I hate this shit…"

And he dove into the water for the second time that day. The water was kinda murky and let's face it… a bit disgusting. Barricade ignored this fact and looked through the waters for Megs. He caught a glint and swam in that direction. Megs was floating, flailing around, his bracelet shining. Then he was still and sinking.

'_Ah, fuck,'_ Barricade thought and he swam over to Megs. He grabbed the body and kicked upward, forgetting the pole. Screw the pole. The surface was just above… just above…

Barricade broke the surface and took in a long gulp of air. Coughing to get the excess water out of his lungs, he turned on Megs, bringing him out of the water and shaking him. "What the hell were you doing, just falling over like that!? Can't you freaking _swim_, Megs?!"

Then Barricade noticed something. Megs' eyes were closed and he didn't look like he was breathing. Cursing in almost thirty languages in his head, Barricade used his legs to swim back to the boat. Using an inhuman strength, he threw Megs over in the boat before clinging back in himself.

"Dammit, Megs, wake up!" Barricade shook the man, but there was no response.

Ok, so what did humans do when someone drowned? CPR? Barricade wracked his brain for how to do that and immediately paled. Wasn't there another way? Oh, slag…

Barricade glanced at Megs before rolling his eyes. He smacked Megs across the face. Hard.

And Megs sat up with a bolt, sputtering and coughing, eyes wide. Barricade made a mental note of the method to stow away later. Barricade faced away from Megs. "Don't do this at home, kids. It won't work unless it's Megs." Like a human commercial almost.

"I demand to know why you hit me, Barricade!" A hand was on Megs' face. "I may bruise!"

"Oh, stow it, you wuss."

"I'll have you know I am no wuss! I was doing perfectly fine on my own until you intervened!"

"Give me a break!" Barricade crossed his arms. "You drowned, I saved your life, and you yell at me for my efforts? I suppose I should take that as a good sort of 'thank-you' since normally you'd probably put me in detention, you wuss!"

Megs was silent as he adjusted his soaking shirt.

The old man from the docks had been watching them the whole time and was chuckling manically to himself. _'Little lovebirds…'_ The poor old man didn't know how wrong he had it in his head, but he was senile. So who cared?

Barricade was glaring at Megs, but huffed and glanced off and watched with curious eyes as something popped to the surface. It was the fishing pole. Barricade watched as the fish on the end of it – still somehow attached – flopped up in the air.

And Barricade almost died laughing. The fish was no longer than his pinky finger and no wider than his thumb! Barricade pounded on the boat's floor while his head banged against the inside side of the boat, his laughter ringing out across the lake.

He looked up at Megs with an evil smirk. "You nearly died cause of THAT thing?! Oh, Primus!" And he broke into laughter again.

Megs turned a very dark shade of red. "Silence!"

But Barricade didn't stop laughing.

And the other Seekers and subordinates were wondering why Barricade couldn't go to bed that night due to insane laughter and Megatron demanding he shut up…


	10. Megs Goes Drinking

(This is even longer than the fishing trip… my randomness has gotten ahead of me lately…)

TF Crack-Fic

Bars of Scots

He wanted to get drunk.

Straight, flat-out, smashed, impaired-senses-and-intense-hangover-the-next-morning, drop dead DRUNK.

The only thing standing in poor Megs' way was his code of conduct as a leader and Starscream's baby-sitting ways, along with Barricade holding the fishing trip as blackmail over his head if he did anything classified as "stupid". How could he ever get them to agree to it?

Wait a minute, he was the freaking leader! He could do whatever he pleased, despite code of conduct! If he wanted to have a drink, he could have a freaking drink! The only question was if they were going to join him in what the humans called a "smashed party"…

"Oi, Megs?"

Megatron looked up, straightening as Starscream stood in his doorway, leaning against the doorframe. He was wearing tight black jeans that were surprisingly low around the ankles – but by no means girly – and a black shirt with the words "Bite Me" on the front. His hair, blonde-silver with red streaks, was tied back into a tiny man-ponytail. Starscream crossed his arms over his chest.

Megs raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"We're going out to a bar tonight. You coming or what?"

Megs raised his eyebrows. Bar. Bar… it clicked somewhere, but he wasn't sure where. "Bar?"

Starscream let out a long sigh. "Yes. Bar. Alcohol. Drinks. You coming?"

Bar. Drinking. Alcohol. Beer.

Megs jumped up and practically ran out the door past Starscream, stopping at the banister railing. "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M COMING."

Starscream raised his eyebrows while Barricade let out a snort downstairs and Blackout just looked plain freaked out, looking at Starscream with a confused look. Bonecrusher just rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath before literally kicking a curious Frenzy out of the room. Frenzy was still ill, but Megs hadn't punished him for it. While normally poor Barricade had to be the fucker's babysitter, he was going out tonight with Starscream and Blackout for drinks, so Bonecrusher had to be the nanny. Such a drop for him, the poor fork dude…

Starscream took Megs by the collar and began to drag him downstairs, but Megs was so enthusiastic that he wormed out of his subordinate's grip. He ran down the stairs like a giddy little kid who was excited about presents under the Christmas tree. Except it was in the middle of freaking July and the 'Cons had no clue what the hell Christmas was about. The poor deprived things...

But enough about how they fail at life.

Megs was already at the door, resisting the temptation to jump up and down in excitement. He would seem far too out-of-character if he did and he didn't want everyone to cancel the trip before it even began. Starscream whacked Megs upside the head as he passed to open the door, but that, surprisingly, did little to get Megatron to calm down and the man literally ran out to the car, shouting, "I call shotgun!" And he settled himself in said designated seat.

How he was going to handle ANY drink at all was beyond Starscream's knowledge.

Blackout grumbled something about not getting shotgun and Barricade facepalmed. Blackout leaned into Barricade and muttered, "What do we do if he gets smashed?"

"I have a video camera in the car," Barricade replied just as quietly.

"Blackmail?"

"Fuck yes," Barricade said. He gave Blackout a weird look. "You honestly believe we would take our leader out to a bar and NOT take along something to record him doing Primus knows what?"

Blackout saw his comrade's point and shrugged. Barricade snorted and climbed into the driver's seat. Starscream and Blackout climbed in the back seats while Barricade revved the engine. The car roared to life and soon, they were speeding down the highway, heading to the local bar.

It was a high quality bar, actually, complete with a dance floor and no strippers or hookers. However, there were still the smoking bikers, the teasing waitresses, and gay bar tenders, but the beer was the best within a twenty mile radius. It was considered a "gay bar" by the town, but since the 'Cons had no knowledge of human terms concerning sexual orientation, they didn't know that where they might be going might make the night go horribly wrong.

To be honest, Barricade was just the designated driver. He was going to have a small drink – maybe half a shot of tequila or whatever – and drive the others, despite how smashed, back to the home base.

The thing about the 'Cons – as they had come to realize – was that they could drink twice as much as a normal human before being considered "drunk", yet the mornings were twice as bad, too. Decepticons plus headaches equaled a shitload of destruction.

Oh, well, moving right along…

They pulled into a parking space right up front by the door and Barricade cut the engine. They all piled out, the car beeping as it was locked, and Megs was the first one inside. They settled at the bar, taking up all of the seats except for one at the end, which was occupied by a biker who was smoking a very long and thin cigarette. Megs had to sit next to him and he sniffed at the thing. It smelled AWFUL.

Megs scrunched up his face and gave the man a look. "How can you stand that thing?"

The biker turned and blew nicotine smoke right into the poor 'Con's face. "Ya got a problem with it, hoe?"

"Hoe?" Megs raised an eyebrow, knowing it was some form of insult even in the midst of trying to get the smoke away from his face. And the smell. The awful smell.

The biker rolled his eyes and took another drag. Starscream tapped Megs' shoulder as the bartender came up. The man was wiping a glass with a towel, eyeing the group with interested eyes. He had shoulder-length brown hair and a stubble of a beard. He could've been anywhere between 21 and 36. "What will you have, newcomers?" He was Irish.

Barricade tilted his head. "Just a shot of tequila for me. Extra lemon."

"Blah," Blackout said, waving his hand. "Belzebuth for me."

Starscream raised a finger. "Miller Lite."

Megs was the last. The bartender eyed him expectantly. Megs just threw his hands up. "Strongest shit you have."

Starscream's mouth dropped open, Barricade buried his face in his hands, and Blackout nearly fell out of his chair. The bartender just smirked. "Coming right up."

As soon as the bartender was gone, Barricade got down off his stool and mumbled something about forgetting something in the car before he walked out of the building. Megs watched him with a weird look before shrugging and taking a look around. The waitresses were flirting with more bikers as they served out foaming glasses and sweating beer bottles to the customers.

"Here we go, then!" The bartender was back. Or to be more precise, he was at the other end with Blackout and was sliding down glasses. A foaming glass came at Megs like a bullet and he snapped out to grab and stop it in its tracks. He looked down at it before watching as a bottle of Miller Lite was pushed down in front of Starscream. Barricade had just gotten back with something in his coat pocket and he had just enough time to sit down and stop his moving tequila glass lined with white sparkles and two lemons. Blackout received his last – a bottle written in French. How he had gotten a French Beer in the United States, Megs would never know or understand.

The others began to sip, with the exception of Barricade who just sucked on one of the lemons to start off with. Barricade was weird like that. Megs looked down at his glass. He wasn't sure what the hell the man had given to him, so he asked.

The bartender (actually, let's just call him Bob) looked over. "A Sam Adams Millennium. Strongest stuff we have and the most expensive."

Megs gave Bob a look. "Price won't matter. Just HOW strong is it?"

Bob laughed. "You a lightweight?"

Megs colored. "NO!"

Bob just shrugged with a grin on his face as he tossed a glass onto the top shelf, where it placed itself without breaking. Miraculously. "It weighs 21 percent ABV."

Megs blinked. "ABV?"

"Alcohol by volume," Bob answered. "How much alcohol is in your beer, expressed as a percentage."

"Oh…" Made perfect sense. "So that's considered strong?"

Bob gave Megs an incredulous look, as if shocked at the question. "Dude, have you never had a drink in your entire life?" Without waiting for an answer, he went on. "Sam Adams Utopia has 32 percent ABV. We just can't have it cause it's too expensive and not many people want to get as smashed as you'd think here."

Megs nodded and muttered a small, absentminded, "Thanks."

Starscream choked on his second sip at Megs' expression of gratitude – he said 'thanks' to a HUMAN? – and asked for a water. Bob left and Barricade had something silver in his hands, fiddling with it.

Megs shrugged and took a sip. Cherry wheat? No, something different… he couldn't put his finger on it, but it tasted REALLY good… He took another, much longer sip and he soon drained a little more than half the glass.

Starscream was eyeing him, as though he were going to do something stupid. Megs gave his general a look before looking around again. Everything was still in focus, but everything seemed a little more… quiet. Not as much whooping and hollering as it was when they had walked in.

Megs drained his glass and called Bob over. "This stuff is good. Got any more?"

Bob nodded. "Sure do." And not two minutes later did another glass of foaming golden-brown liquid come sliding down. He drained that and soon asked for a third one. And a third one came sliding down.

Starscream had only drunk half of his bottle, but Blackout was already smashed, as he was a lightweight. His bottle was completely empty. Starscream groaned and put down his bottle, escorting the flailing ex-decepticon out the door and locking him in the car. Barricade had his silver camera sitting on the bar table, on and recording the scene of the general guiding the other soldier out.

Starscream returned with a huff and Barricade snorted over his tequila glass, licking at the salted rim and taking a small sip. Starscream threw the other 'Con a dirty look before settling down and draining his bottle. He was about to call another when he heard a few girls letting out giggles. Like, more than normal. Bob was laughing and pointing beyond the rest of the 'Con group. Starscream and Barricade instinctively turned around.

Bet they regretted it.

Megs was dancing with one of the waitresses, swinging his glass of Sam Adams beer while his other hand was sliding down her back. The waitress was giggling and going along with it, but also teasing him by moving out of range so the man would follow. First step. _WHAM_! There goes Megs on the floor. His glass broke.

Megs pushed himself onto his knees, looked at his broken glass and burst out into tears. "NOOOOO! THE MAGIC BOOZE HATES MEH! AHHHHH!" And then he began bawling.

Starscream cursed and walked out, grabbing his leader by the arm, and pulling him away. He pushed Megs – sniffling all the way – into his stool again and facepalmed. Megs mumbled something before suddenly perking up as Bob gave him a refill "on the house". Megs grinned and began drinking again.

Barricade was trying soo hard to not to laugh while he held his camera, his mouth covered by his hand. Starscream gave the camera a dirty look. "This goes on the internet and you're a fried 'Con."

Barricade saluted his understanding, but snorted when Megs slid off his stool and vanished into the crowd. Starscream turned around and muttered something about having never asked Megs to go drinking with them before he turned and began looking for his leader. Barricade followed Starscream with his camera and immediately found Megs.

Megs was currently trying to get up on the dance floor, the new beer-filled glass in hand. He raised his hands in attention and the lights, for some reason, focused on him. "Humans and Decepticons all, welcome to the entertainment that ish the great leader, Lord Megatron!" And he did a little jig thing, more so getting people giggling than freaked out.

He saw them laughing and suddenly crouched. "You dare defy me, humans?! I'll have ya know I am a gigantic fucking robot and I can pummel you to a pulp!"

More laughter. Megs drained his glass before tossing it up and watching it land in the middle of the bar. Luckily, no casualties. Megatron called for attention again. "HUMANS! I shall show you meh ultimate powah! Ka… me… ha… me… HAAAAA!!"

Someone fell out of their chair in laughter while others began shaking their heads. All were laughing. Barricade was still filming, positioning it on the counter so he wouldn't drop it. Starscream was in the middle of the laughing crowd, mortified.

"Starschream!" Megs called, waving his hand. "Yoohoo! C'mere, meh best bud!"

Starscream shook his head and took a step back. Megs flailed around before falling off the stage. Barricade with Bob at the bar, banging their fists on the table.

Megs popped up and began looking around randomly. "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ SupaStar! Bow before meh!" He flailed with his arms, but no one bowed. "NO ONE?! But Imma the Juggernaut, bee-otches! YOU DARE DEFY THE JUGGAHNAUT?!"

The waitresses were off in a corner now, giggling while the men of the bar were laughing their asses off. Barricade tried to stand, but ended up on his knees. Damn, who knew Megs could be so damn funny?!

Megs raised his hands and called for silence. "All right, let's all be 'I'm the shizznit' now, okie-day?" There came a few thumbs-up from the crowd and Megs clapped his hands in delight. "Goodie! Now who wants to see me drop my pants!?"

Starscream turned white and automatically shouted, "NO WAY, MEGS!!"

Megs turned to his general and pouted, trying to be cute. "But Screamie… it's fun! Besides, why do I have to wear clothes, huh? I like being naked!"

"NOT IN PUBLIC!"

Megs whined again. "Screamie, you're such a meanie… Well all right, then!"

Megs was fiddling with his belt already. Starscream flinched and practically flew to the man's side. "YOU DROP YOUR PANTS AND I'LL TELL EVERYONE HERE ABOUT YOUR FISHING TRIP!"

Megs looked up with surprised and Starscream wondered if he had actually heard that and registered it. Then, megs began tearing up again and he clung to Starscream like a child to his mother. "No, anything but that, please Screamie! I WON'T GO DIVING IN THE FISHING POND NAKED AGAIN!"

Laughter echoed in the bar. Starscream smacked Megs. "THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!"

Megs put a finger to his lips. "Oh, you're right, that was my boyfriend, not me…" Megs blinked at Starscream. "Hey, aren't you that one guy… from that one thing… ya know, with Taco Man and a duck…?" Megs scrunched up his nose. "Wait, wait…" He suddenly jabbed a finger at Starscream. "I KNOW! YOU'RE A SCOT!" He looked down at Starscream's waist. "Hey, Scot, where's your kilt?"

Starscream let out a scream of frustration before dragging Megs over to the stools again. "SIT!" He put Megs in a stool. Starscream backed up a step before turning to Barricade, who was trying his damnest to get his laughter under control. "We're leaving. Turn that damn thing off." He pointed to the camera.

While Starscream was trying to get Barricade to turn off the camera, Megs was sitting in his chair, sniffling and trying to figure out why the Scot talking to the police man wasn't wearing a kilt. He watched as the Scot began to fight with the cop and feeling a sudden urge to defend the poor man, Megs suddenly jumped up and pushed the Scot to the floor.

Starscream looked up at Megs. "What the slag are you doing?!"

Megs blinked. "Slag?"

Starscream let out a grunt of frustration and sat up, pushing Megs off him. "Get off me, you Retardicon…"

Megs laughed at the insult, not knowing it WAS an insult. Starscream turned to Barricade. "We are out of here."

Barricade had his laughter under control now and he nodded, but didn't switch off the camera. He watched as Starscream took hold of Megs and stumbled out with him. On the way out the door, Megs waved Bob goodbye with a grin on his face. Bob just shook his head, not asking for payment, as the entertainment had been enough.

Once in the car, Barricade switched off his camera and revved up the engine. Starscream put Megs in the back seat with a passed out Blackout and shut the door before climbing into shotgun. As Barricade pulled away, Starscream glanced back at Megs, who was attempting to catch tiny little white fuzzies that didn't exist. "Megs?"

"What's up, Scot?" said man asked, his blurry eyes on Starscream while his hands still worked on getting the fuzzies.

Barricade snorted while driving. "Scot?"

Starscream growled. "Shut up." He looked back at Megs. "The fuzzies aren't there, Megs." Of course, Starscream would know what Megs was after because he himself had done it when he first went drinking, though he dare not admit to it.

Megs pouted before he shrugged and put his hands down. Starscream watched as Megs turned to Blackout in fascination. "Oooooooh, who's this, Scot?"

"My name is STARSCREAM and that is Blackout."

"Screamie… and Blackie…" Megs reached over and poked Blackout's cheek. Megs grinned and kept on poking the passed out Con until Starscream reached back and smacked Megs' hands away. "Quit it, Megs."

The leader frowned and leaned in close to Starscream. "Quit what?"

Oh, Primus, he was in the seductive stage now…

Starscream pushed Megs back with as much strength as he could without disrupting Barricade's driving and glared. "You know damn well what! Now stop acting like a slut and shut up!"

"But I like to talk… can't I talk to meh bestest buddy in the whole wide universe?"

Starscream began banging his head on the dash. Megs went back to poking Blackout.

Now the Cons knew to never go out drinking ever again…


End file.
